Aus Regina Lynns Yahoo Gruppe:
I'm in the best shape of my life but my wife doesn't find me remotely attractive. I think I know what I have to do, but after 27 years I haven't got the vaguest idea what to do first, next? Anybody have any advice?Regina Lynn:
I agree with the other responses that your course of action depends in large part on the reason she's "not attracted."
Physical causes like depression, menopause, illness, fatigue, hormone imbalance, medication (including birth control pills), etc. can be addressed by going to a good doctor.
Emotional causes like boredom, anger, past sexual trauma, trouble in the relationship, probably call for a good counselor.
Habitual causes like watching TV together in those last waking hours after all chores are taken care of, or doing an early morning run when one's partner's horniest hour is early morning, etc. can be addressed by committing to replacing one schedule habit with another.
And then there are the other parts, like a secret fetish, kink, or fantasy that one partner needs but for whatever reason does not share with the other.
I hate to give advice, because I never feel like I know enough, even about things I have researched exhaustively. I know that some "simple" things that have worked include:
- throwing away the tv (but be careful as some marriages only work because of shared tv, lol)
- reading, watching, or listening to erotic content together
- taking a workshop at a place like babeland, good vibrations, hustler, or other adult retail store & sex ed place (by sex ed i mean "how to do stuff" more than "how biology works")
- trying something kinky, role playing, going on dates to sexy destinations, taking a weekend at a B&B that suits your tastes (warning: most are frilly victorian but not all!)
- scheduling sex and committing to using that time for sex only - which does not have to mean intercourse
- trying new toys (for both of you)
- flirting by text, flirting in public on social media sites, flirting in IM
There are several books on this topic, in the self-help and sexuality section, and while a lot of them are crap (in my opinion), some are good. You'd have to look through and see what ones appeal to your personality and situation.
And none of this will "fix it" if your wife doesn't want to want to change, so that's an obstacle that takes a lot of emotional fortitude to address.
But I believe it is our responsibility in a partnership -- whether married, monogamous, poly, traditional, or totally weird -- to try to align sexually and to commit to making sex a priority. I don't mean a priority as in setting quotas, but truly acknowledging that sex is essential to a relationship (leaving out the whole 'asexual' thing here).
Sex erases all those little annoyances and disagreements that can arrive from living together, relieves stress including relationship stress, adds to health and wellbeing and to the emotional, mental, and spiritual bond as well. Once upon a time I thought sex was an "extra" but that the relationship was really those other three things -- and when I finally did learn that i was wrong, I was mortified.
Good luck and if you want to give more detail, either on list or privately, that's fine.
"Opening" the relationship and seeing other people is generally NOT a good idea at this juncture, if you want to keep the marriage together.
-- personal note --
I know from personal experience that if a person commits to just getting started, that the desire eventually follows the action. But the person has to WANT to try, has to WANT to endure those 5 - 30 minutes until the blood starts to flow, etc. I have literally told myself, out loud, that "worst case I'll be bored, but I'm not going to DIE," and made myself get started.
Almost always, the desire shows up along with the physical arousal (which is one reason Viagra works for some women some or all of the time).
Now, in my case, there was no marriage involved, so if the desire (or the arousal) NEVER happened, I didn't need to go to bed with that person again.
I have been the person who did not uphold that responsibility or commitment, and I spent almost a decade being scared and disinterested and my patient, patient then-husband helped me through a lot of stuff, and my one regret about our entire 13 years together is that it took me so long to get interested and even enthusiastic about sex. It took a lot for me to make that change but the first thing, as the cliche goes, was to WANT to WANT to want.
I really hope this helps! I know both men AND women in your situation, and
it's really painful and suckie. But it is not inevitable or un-resolvable.